“Help! This is the Norwegian Spirit. Our position is 42 degrees 45 minutes South, 159 degrees 27 minutes East. We’re in trouble!”

Stop being so dramatic, everything is fine.

“I see dead polar bears floating everywhere! This is the apocalypse! Game over!!!”

Those are whitecaps. It’s just the wind blowing the tops of big waves.

“It looks like we sailed too far south. Weren’t we just at the equator? It’s cold and I can’t see. Is that fog? What if we crash into Antarctica?”

It’s still 65 degrees. That’s just clouds and blowing water from the ocean. Relax already.

“Nobody can walk straight. Are we in some kind of horror movie? That guy is walking like Scat Man Carothers. This is scary!”

“What happened to the guy in the wheelchair? He was right here a second ago. Did he get blown overboard?”

Stop it already. He probably went inside, it’s windy out here. Captain says 50 knots with gusts plus our 19 knots we are moving along at.

“Isn’t that the same as a category 1 hurricane? What’s that boom I hear? I can feel it! Did we just hit an iceberg? We’re gonna sink like the Titanic. The captain says we are in the middle of the Tasman Sea and the bottom is 14,000 feet below. Nobody will ever find us!!!”

That’s not the sound of us hitting an iceberg. That’s the sound of the bow of the ship rising 30 feet out of the water then crashing back down on the water.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Look, everything is fine. The bars are open. The old people are in the atrium learning to fold napkins like origami. The crew is doing all their normal things. Chatty Kathy is over there jabbering on about her inane existence. You’re the only one freaking out.

“Ok, ok. I wish she would STFU though. I’m getting tired of her. She seems to be everywhere talking to anyone who will listen. They can’t get away.”

Well, we are in Henry’s pub. It’s the right place for her.

“What exactly is a pub anyway?”

It’s a particular type of British bar with lacquer polished hardwood and glass covered pictures. I think they designed it to be extra loud. Everything echoes and the people inside seem to be in some kind of yelling contest which gets louder and louder for every pint of beer they drink.

“Can we leave now? When can we get back to smooth sailing and peace and quiet?”

Ok, we will go to one of our quiet spots and think about what we want for lunch. We will be in the fjords tomorrow and everything will be like it was. Nothing to worry about.

“Are you sure?”

No.

The Captain says they are canceling the first cruise into the Milford sound. 70 knot winds in there. Darn.

“I told you we were in trouble! We would have been smashed against the rocks for shore!”

Is that another bad pun? Can you stop with the fear mongering? 😨 We didn’t even know we were going there. We never look at the schedule.

“But I like mongering.”

If you’ve seen one fjord, you’ve seen them all. 

“But I haven’t seen any fjords!”

I bet those backpackers are having quite the adventure! I remember being young and adventurous like that. I remember waking up in a river of flowing ice water because we setup the tent in a low area and it started down-pouring at night.

“Oh, that sounds sooooo fun. I like the room we have now. It doesn’t get cold or wet. Did we tell our room steward we need new sheets? I had a little ‘accident’ last night.”

Well, that’s what you get for scaring the piss out of yourself. That was all you. I’m glad our queen size bed is actually 2 twin bets put together. Keep your puddle to yourself.

“Is that a fjord? Is it?”

No.

“What day is it? I can’t tell anymore.”

Ling is so nice. I think she likes me. I mean who does this? I’m likeable aren’t I?

“You?”

Yes, me.

“I’m likeable. I’m the one who makes her laugh. I’m the one smiling and being friendly. I’m real.”

So what am I then?

“I just know what day it is. Can’t that be enough for you?”

So it’s Valentine’s Day?

“Close enough.”

Valentine’s Day was yesterday.

“I said close enough. You should listen to me.”

What?

“Look at those people showing off in their high-end cruise ship wet weather gear. What’s up with that? They trying to show they cruise everywhere on the fancy ships? What’s the difference in service anyway? We got more Chins and Lings than a Chinese phone book. How could it be any better?”

They say they smother you there. White glove everything. Free wet weather gear.

 “I saw Martha Stewart on Instagram in her stylish Regatta branded North Face coat and she said they just hit an Iceberg! How are they gonna service their way out of that? More piloting, less service I say.” 👩‍✈️

“Why does a ship like this even need a pilot? Don’t we have a captain? Don’t they trust the captain?”

Well, we’re going to miss Milford Sound. Just like we missed Hobart.

“Don’t be upset because the ice cream machine is broken.”

Ya, that helps. Thanks.

“There are mountains on both sides now. Did we just sail into a something? Is this a fjord?”

Doubtful.

“This looks a lot like the Napalli coast, but greener, and much colder. Why is Kathy yelling with her fake laugh. She’s ruining our peaceful shoreline cruise. Grrrr hate rays zzzzzttt.”

She sees everyone else enjoying the beautiful scenery and can’t stand it. She needs to get attention so she’s being annoying. And your hate rays aren’t going to work on her.

“You’re right, it’s too cold here. I really wish all those Kathys would STFU! We have to turn up our headphones so load Apple keeps warning us to turn them down. And we can still hear them!”

You know they will never stop. Just keep walking away from them. We will invest in noise canceling headphones next chance. Apple can’t tell us what to do anyway. We’re attending church at just the right volume.”

“Ha! Metal Church volume 11. We’re gonna drown Kathy in heavy metal music🤘🤘”

Is that another pun? Stop.

“Wow, who’s this woman standing next to us now? Let’s chat her up.”

She’s a dancer in the show. Never mind her. She’s a 20 something hot dog. We’re busy.

This is Doubtful Sound. We just sailed into Doubtful Sound. It’s not a fjord, it’s a sound.

“No, it’s a fjord. They misnamed it a sound. I still her Kathy jabbering on. Not the sound I am wanting. What’s the difference between a sound and a fjord?”

Now is not the time for jokes!

Oh.

“These are misnamed.”

“This is a fjord, not a sound. These waterfalls are so big they look like they are moving in slow motion. Captain says those are as tall as a skyscraper.”

There’s no perspective here. You can’t tell how big things really are.

“We are looking up at everything. And we are at the top of the ship. That’s a hundred feet in the air. They must be huge.”

“We are a day ahead, remember? It IS Valentine’s Day! Pool and hot tubs are open. I think it’s lunchtime I smell the grill.”

Probably more hot dogs.

“The sun is coming out too. How nice! We got lucky again.

Don’t do that joke again!

“Ok, ok.”