There she is!

There she is!

“No, we’re not doing that again.”

Carnival Cruise Line. Just killing time.

“We should have stayed where we were.”

This or the Gold Coast again.

“That was nice.”

You forgot! You were supposed to remind me!

“I thought it was obvious. And you were complaining about that plane ride so much. I thought avoiding plane rides was the thing to do.”

Avoiding plane rides yes, I understand that. But this is worse. We should have stayed on land. We could have taken a train or done something inside if it was raining. And it never rained all the time! It always cleared up. We didn’t save that much money doing this. It wasn’t worth it.

“I’m just as sorry as you are. I just forgot! We have dementia.”

I forgot about that.

I was hoping there wouldn’t be many kids this time but I didn’t even consider there could be other problems. Quality problems. I didn’t think the rating system could be so bad. There’s no way this is a 4.5 star ship. Not even close.

The ratings are questionable. There are 5.5 star ships, so that should tell you something. If a ship is rated 5 star it is pretty good. The Hilton on George is rated a 5 star but it is old and worn a bit. It might have been 5 star when it was new but it sure isn’t now.

“Like you!”

Broken things, rust, old tech, and questionable clientele should take the ratings down.

“Like you!”

Why are you being mean to me today? Do I deserve this now? Throwing stones from a glass house?

“The Fudge Smuggler!”

I’m sure he’s not the only one here smuggling fudge.

“Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy”

If this ship was a 5, there should be a deduction. Just saying.

Australian for sure.

“I’d like a tattoo that really reflects my personality. I like to grill. I mean I really, really, like grilling. Matt is my name, meat is my game. I also like ‘Anonymous’. I’m a bit of a rebel.”

This is a 2.5 star ship. I’ve giving it a half point for the Guy Fierri burger place and the BBQ pit. That was pretty good. I ate there every day.

“I can see that.”

What is with you? Are you going to be mean the whole time? At least we are going back to France and a new island we haven’t been to yet.

This is getting old really fast. Instant regret to get onto this boat. They even ripped us off before we even got onto the boat. They made us buy insurance. We’ve already been to New Caledonia so we know this is baloney.

They must be in cahoots.

“Where is cahoots?”

Maybe there’s going to be big trouble in New Caledonia.

OMG it really is a carnival. It’s worse that Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

“It’s not worse.”

How come these kids aren’t in school? It’s been weeks since we were told they went back.

The inside is .. what’s the word?

Carnival ‘ish’?

That’s the atrium. More High Anxiety elevators. Those are starting to look like a thing.

There’s a lot of security here, on the INSIDE. I guess that means something.

“Deduct another half point.”

Well, it’s too late now, we’ve sailed. Try to find the bright spots. There always seem to be some. It’s a big ship.

Same shit, different ship.

“I don’t feel special.”

A little salty but I like it.

“Same as you.”

Stop!

“I mean I like you even if you are a bit salty.”

Now that I think of it, those aren’t the meals people pay a lot for.

Hmm. Looks like the inclusion policy is the order here. Everybody deserves some respect. Well-being is probably the key here.

“That probably means something too.”

The word ‘sophisticated’ is used a lot here in Australia. I’ve heard it many times now. It’s code.

“Did you check the dictionary?”

Sometimes it is used to sell pretentious things but it fits me more often than not. I don’t think being clean or healthy is pretentious. I just feel like I’m in the middle.

“The middle is gone. Haven’t you heard?”

Hopefully, we can find something to make this better. We are going to the South Pacific Ocean again, like we did on the Royal Caribbean ship. We are going to a new island and one we’ve already been to. That should be ok. The rest of the time we will just think about what we have coming up and try to find quiet spaces.

These loungers don’t cost money but they are hard to come by. We know what is next up so we can wait for it. We are on the ocean so we like that. It’s warm. Live and learn right? We had some lessons.

It’s in the name. Carnival. Doesn’t everyone know what a carnival is about? Carnies? Rigged games and bottom shelf prizes. Questionable food, health violations, and leaving in the middle of the night before it catches up with them. It’s the lowest priced. Bot not so low as to make the difference worth it. The quality is so low it isn’t worth half the price others charge. That seems obvious now.

“I already said I forgot, sorry. I’m here too.”

Royal Caribbean is upscale compared to this cruise. Both have a downside but this one has two downsides. You two choices on this ship; children or trashy adults. You can’t get away.

My room sucks too. It’s directly under the weight room. You can hear people dropping dumbbells on the ground morning till night.

“That’s just luck, bad luck. It could happen on any ship. It’s hard to tell what your room is going to be like. There’s a variety and some things might bother you and some might not. If you stay up all night at the casino you won’t care if your room is under the casino. If you don’t get seasick then the front of the ship won’t bother you.”

I bet there are a lot of reasons this demographic are on this ship. Sales deals like a free trip with purchase of 4 radial tires, giveaways at the rugby matches, bingo parlor prizes, and things like that.

“Ten cartons of Benson and Hedges mate! Free Carnival cruise!”

“I bet that’s the deal. We should ask.”

But then we’d have to talk to them. You want to do that?

“No. Some things don’t need explaining. It’s enough to just know what they are.”

Like Jokes and art.

“It is what it is.”

I hate that saying.

“It be like that.”

That isn’t any better.

Well, we know one lesson we can work with here.

“Be where they ain’t!”

This is the non smoking side of the ship. I’m all by myself.

We’ve even found one place at the front of the ship we have to ourselves.

“Oops too late. We’ve been discovered.”

Here’s one Ling that knows what to do. She’s the only one.

“We’re here too.”

We are alone together.

Noumea. This time the East side. It looks promising.

Only boat traffic on this side. If we had a motorcycle we could get to all the beaches we see on the map. We saw the tourist beaches last time on this island. This is good to know about.

“Good to not go here!”

I’m sure it isn’t the very best spot. It looks like a local favorite.

Back to the ship skipper!

Nice touches to make you feel good. It did for me. The room stewards are my favorite hard workers. They are always positive about what seems to be one of the worst jobs. I got a number of $600 a month from a couple of them on two different cruise lines. That’s probably standard. It’s heartbreaking to know my fellow guests leave nothing while the cruise lines add ‘crew appreciation’ to the bill but don’t give it to them.

It’s not uncommon to hear passengers rave about the stewards and fill out the ‘vacation hero’ cards thinking that means anything at all. Give them money if you really appreciate them.

 “I wonder if they burn all those cards or recycle them? Nobody is going to look at 2,000 cards every cruise.”

Are they?

We are in the Chinese decorated room on a carnival ship. What are the odds?

“The carpet doesn’t match the drapes.”

We always like the comedy/magic/circus guys. We aren’t so sophisticated we can’t enjoy the simple entertainment.

“They are pretty inclusive too. This little girl really enjoyed her part in the show.”

The next stop on this cruise is some isle near New Caledonia. Simon London the cruise director says don’t wear mankinis or thongs into the church. Cover arms and knees too.

“Simon London sounds fake. The name I mean. His name is probably Martin. And, does he really think the guy in the mankini is headed to church?”

Church bar maybe. And as for Simon London, I wouldn’t use my real name either. There isn’t much here on the isle. I’m the first off the ship and I sit on the beach pretty much by myself for the first couple hours.

It’s good for a while but it starts getting crowded and a giant Kathy decides the spot next to me is for her. Her accent is annoying me now. It’s English. Somehow it sounds much nicer on a Ling. Have we been over this?

“Lings don’t have an accent. They speak perfect English. Kathy is talking something else. Maybe the Queen’s English. It’s lazy like a southern drawl. I hate it now.”

There are a LOT of obese people too. I thought I was bad with an extra 20 lbs. Not compared to these people! A few months of not eating buffet and some exercise I’ll be fine. They aren’t ever coming back. That ship sailed a long time ago.

“I bet it was a Carnival ship!”

Ling says what’s the difference between size 18 and size 20.

“How about the difference between size 40 and size 60? These people are wearing drapes and bedsheets! Those aren’t clothes.”

The difference is like being in debt. A little debt you can work your way out from. A lot and your life is ruined. A hundred pounds of fat destroys your body and probably your health too. You can’t get out, there’s no escape.

The arrival of Kathy means it’s time to vacate this spot.

It’s a jungle on this isle. The locals have nothing but the tropical paradise they sit on. They live in grass shacks with no electricity. The only business is selling coconuts and bananas to cruise ship tourists. I wonder how they survive. There are no old people here.

There is no cell data service either. I have no map. I just have to wander.

30 minutes go by and then I’m spotted. People from the ship have seen me here and they are on their way.

“We are upwind so it’s going to be ok. We sit on a ledge at the furthest point with our back to them. They can’t approach from the beach either. We are protected and sit here for the rest of the day. It’s a beautiful spot. The wind in our face makes it so we can hardly hear them and they all but disappear.”

Back on my spot, away from the Carnies.

“Serenity now, insanity later.”

Watching the sunsets I can sense something.

“This looks like the Nuclear Sunset people are talking about.”

“The Black Phoenix”

It is the harbinger. It is the ominous sign of things to come. Something bad is going to happen.

“It’s all in your mind.”